A few days ago I found a scrap of paper that held a song attempt from when I was in college. Most of it just felt wrong, but the chorus stuck out as salvageable, and it was found just in time to encourage a friend. It read, "You hem me in, behind, before. You take away every flawed recourse. When will I see You're leading me through desperation, to liberty."
Then yesterday, while I was driving home from praise practice, the new verses came to me. I marveled at how God must be giving this to me for someone else, because I had already gotten past this feeling of being thwarted at every turn. Ha! Let me just tell you that God is not without a sense of irony.
You see, in our struggle with our son's digestive issues (multiple food allergies and Celiac Disease), there was definitely a period of time when I was struggling with the futility of my own efforts. We knew of two allergies, and found out of a few others. We pulled those foods out of his diet, but they were foods he loved and he responded by restricting his diet even further (limiting himself to starchier, sweeter foods). Then further allergies were discovered as his symptoms persisted, and again we pulled those foods out of his diet. Most kids with a few food allergies grow out of them by about 5 years of age, but with Joshua I seriously was concerned that by the time we got to five he would be down to bananas and water. Not that he would have minded, of course, because by the time we got to January of this year, that was all he was willing to eat: bananas and pastured pork sausage.
It feels utterly helpless when the primary way by which you care for your child's needs turns out to be exactly what is harming them. Add to that the fact that we had gone from a perspective of hoping for wellness to just doing damage control, and we felt like we were basically helpless. That was when, by the grace of God, we discovered the GAPS diet. We got Joshua (and ourselves) on the diet and he started to thrive: growing again for the first time in several months, talking and babbling again (also for the first time in months), persistent eczema completely gone, and personality once again glowing. And that is basically where we've been for the last three months. We did have to go through three almost impossible days where Joshua would not eat the GAPS food and so did not eat. He was drinking plenty, though, and we worked very hard to remind ourselves that keeping him from bananas in order to get him to eat his vegetables was worth it and the right move. Though those days were a harrowing ordeal, they were followed by three months of relative ease. And I began to think of that frantic, "What is WRONG with my child??" desperation was a thing of the past.
These last few days, though, some of Joshua's digestive symptoms had returned, and he seemed to start restricting his foods again, apparently out of nowhere! Well, I learned that a fruit tea we had allowed him to drink pretty regularly (in the last few days) had soy lecithin in it (NEVER take it for granted that you know what is in a food. ALWAYS read the label...this is my lesson). Then we found out that one of Joshua's medicines which had been given some prevalence in the last week or so (due to teething) contained corn, corn and soy being two of his middle-range allergies (not as bad as peanuts, eggs, and milk; not as mild as oranges). Digestive symptoms explained, and we -- of course -- felt largely to blame. Well all of this was frustrating, but nothing we could not handle. We know the drill. Nothing but his puree, meat, and juice until he was over this hump, and that should only take a few days.
Today, however, we had to make a planned trip, but earlier than planned (we were thinking Monday, originally, and that Joshua would be over all of this by then). Jeff had to go one place while I did some shopping at a very busy market with Joshua. This market had a food court where I planned on getting lunch, but of course I brought Joshua's food with us. As has been true yesterday and played out this morning, he flat out refused to eat. He wanted my food (which had things we was definitely allergic to in it) and made a decent-sized scene over that. People stared. Many folks even forgot to hide the fact that they were staring. Some commented awkwardly, "nap-time, huh?" While I reassured Joshua that he had food, and my food would make him sick.
You see, a major theme in my life has been allowing God to uproot the fear of man in my life. Always worried about what others are thinking, I struggle with wanting to make sure I do not look foolish, wanting people to approve of the way I do things, and wanting to make sure that they know if I do happen to get an answer wrong, they know it is not because I am stupid, but just some fluke. Things are not nearly as bad as they have been. A stronghold that was once completely debilitating is now just a haunted ruin, with a few last stones still standing. And that is a good thing. But today I realized God wanted to knock some of those other stones right now. So I reasoned aloud with my son, trying to make sure he and the rest of the world knew I was not neglecting him. If anyone gave me a hard time I would have had a million justifications for why things look the way they do, including the fact that our sons two main doctors approve of this plan. But I realized that the process by which my son finds healing is going to make me look foolish. The food he eats is different, and is not convenient or easily portable. The liquid in his juice cup (a small small amount of kombucha tea with lots of water and a few drops of honey) looks different than what is in the other kids' juice cups. He' is in cloth diapers which -- while it is not such a fringe thing, is not so mainstream -- necessitate a larger and more fully packed diaper bag when we are out for the day. We look funny.
On top of that, I have to be one of those "hovering parents" I disdained and -- let's face it -- judged in my pre-parenting days. My child is severely allergic to things other kids eat all the time. Anytime we are anywhere where there are children, especially where food is planned ahead of time, I have to keep a close eye on him, and then I have to listen to one person or another tell me that I am smothering him and I can let him out of my sight for a few minutes. If I succumb to the pressure to just let him be, he inevitably picks up something he should not, eats it, and breaks out in hives. But even though I know this, I struggle every time someone suggests I do things differently.
I cringe when people ask "What is he drinking???". I cringe only slightly less when they ask why my toddler is eating "baby food (he does eat several solid foods, but a veggie puree is the only way we have been able to get him to "drink" the broth that is part of his diet)." I cringe when people tell me I need to do this or that differently. I do not want to be so different, and I do not want to look silly to these other people who do not have a multi-allergic celiac diagnosed child. I cringed all day long today when he threw tantrums in the food court, and again when we passed banana chips in the dried fruit aisle, and again when he saw this allergen or that which used to be a part of his diet. I was alone, with a myriad of bags (the cooler bag we have for his food, his diaper bag, my purse) and an overflowing shopping cart, and a toddler who every few minutes (after being totally happy and fine) was suddenly screaming and wanting only to be held; and I felt so much more than conspicuous because people kept asking questions about why he was upset. For the first time in three months, I was at the end of my rope and clinging to what felt like the last bits of my sanity, when the words God had given me just the day before came to mind and showed me what God is doing in all of this...
Then yesterday, while I was driving home from praise practice, the new verses came to me. I marveled at how God must be giving this to me for someone else, because I had already gotten past this feeling of being thwarted at every turn. Ha! Let me just tell you that God is not without a sense of irony.
You see, in our struggle with our son's digestive issues (multiple food allergies and Celiac Disease), there was definitely a period of time when I was struggling with the futility of my own efforts. We knew of two allergies, and found out of a few others. We pulled those foods out of his diet, but they were foods he loved and he responded by restricting his diet even further (limiting himself to starchier, sweeter foods). Then further allergies were discovered as his symptoms persisted, and again we pulled those foods out of his diet. Most kids with a few food allergies grow out of them by about 5 years of age, but with Joshua I seriously was concerned that by the time we got to five he would be down to bananas and water. Not that he would have minded, of course, because by the time we got to January of this year, that was all he was willing to eat: bananas and pastured pork sausage.
It feels utterly helpless when the primary way by which you care for your child's needs turns out to be exactly what is harming them. Add to that the fact that we had gone from a perspective of hoping for wellness to just doing damage control, and we felt like we were basically helpless. That was when, by the grace of God, we discovered the GAPS diet. We got Joshua (and ourselves) on the diet and he started to thrive: growing again for the first time in several months, talking and babbling again (also for the first time in months), persistent eczema completely gone, and personality once again glowing. And that is basically where we've been for the last three months. We did have to go through three almost impossible days where Joshua would not eat the GAPS food and so did not eat. He was drinking plenty, though, and we worked very hard to remind ourselves that keeping him from bananas in order to get him to eat his vegetables was worth it and the right move. Though those days were a harrowing ordeal, they were followed by three months of relative ease. And I began to think of that frantic, "What is WRONG with my child??" desperation was a thing of the past.
These last few days, though, some of Joshua's digestive symptoms had returned, and he seemed to start restricting his foods again, apparently out of nowhere! Well, I learned that a fruit tea we had allowed him to drink pretty regularly (in the last few days) had soy lecithin in it (NEVER take it for granted that you know what is in a food. ALWAYS read the label...this is my lesson). Then we found out that one of Joshua's medicines which had been given some prevalence in the last week or so (due to teething) contained corn, corn and soy being two of his middle-range allergies (not as bad as peanuts, eggs, and milk; not as mild as oranges). Digestive symptoms explained, and we -- of course -- felt largely to blame. Well all of this was frustrating, but nothing we could not handle. We know the drill. Nothing but his puree, meat, and juice until he was over this hump, and that should only take a few days.
Today, however, we had to make a planned trip, but earlier than planned (we were thinking Monday, originally, and that Joshua would be over all of this by then). Jeff had to go one place while I did some shopping at a very busy market with Joshua. This market had a food court where I planned on getting lunch, but of course I brought Joshua's food with us. As has been true yesterday and played out this morning, he flat out refused to eat. He wanted my food (which had things we was definitely allergic to in it) and made a decent-sized scene over that. People stared. Many folks even forgot to hide the fact that they were staring. Some commented awkwardly, "nap-time, huh?" While I reassured Joshua that he had food, and my food would make him sick.
You see, a major theme in my life has been allowing God to uproot the fear of man in my life. Always worried about what others are thinking, I struggle with wanting to make sure I do not look foolish, wanting people to approve of the way I do things, and wanting to make sure that they know if I do happen to get an answer wrong, they know it is not because I am stupid, but just some fluke. Things are not nearly as bad as they have been. A stronghold that was once completely debilitating is now just a haunted ruin, with a few last stones still standing. And that is a good thing. But today I realized God wanted to knock some of those other stones right now. So I reasoned aloud with my son, trying to make sure he and the rest of the world knew I was not neglecting him. If anyone gave me a hard time I would have had a million justifications for why things look the way they do, including the fact that our sons two main doctors approve of this plan. But I realized that the process by which my son finds healing is going to make me look foolish. The food he eats is different, and is not convenient or easily portable. The liquid in his juice cup (a small small amount of kombucha tea with lots of water and a few drops of honey) looks different than what is in the other kids' juice cups. He' is in cloth diapers which -- while it is not such a fringe thing, is not so mainstream -- necessitate a larger and more fully packed diaper bag when we are out for the day. We look funny.
On top of that, I have to be one of those "hovering parents" I disdained and -- let's face it -- judged in my pre-parenting days. My child is severely allergic to things other kids eat all the time. Anytime we are anywhere where there are children, especially where food is planned ahead of time, I have to keep a close eye on him, and then I have to listen to one person or another tell me that I am smothering him and I can let him out of my sight for a few minutes. If I succumb to the pressure to just let him be, he inevitably picks up something he should not, eats it, and breaks out in hives. But even though I know this, I struggle every time someone suggests I do things differently.
I cringe when people ask "What is he drinking???". I cringe only slightly less when they ask why my toddler is eating "baby food (he does eat several solid foods, but a veggie puree is the only way we have been able to get him to "drink" the broth that is part of his diet)." I cringe when people tell me I need to do this or that differently. I do not want to be so different, and I do not want to look silly to these other people who do not have a multi-allergic celiac diagnosed child. I cringed all day long today when he threw tantrums in the food court, and again when we passed banana chips in the dried fruit aisle, and again when he saw this allergen or that which used to be a part of his diet. I was alone, with a myriad of bags (the cooler bag we have for his food, his diaper bag, my purse) and an overflowing shopping cart, and a toddler who every few minutes (after being totally happy and fine) was suddenly screaming and wanting only to be held; and I felt so much more than conspicuous because people kept asking questions about why he was upset. For the first time in three months, I was at the end of my rope and clinging to what felt like the last bits of my sanity, when the words God had given me just the day before came to mind and showed me what God is doing in all of this...
Liberty
by Melody Joy Buller
Thwarted, I've never felt so thwarted
Everything I do just comes to naught
Effort after effort is rewarded
With the loss of every ounce of strength I've got
And I'm desperate for You
You hem me in
Behind, before
You take away every flawed recourse
When will I see, You're leading me
Through desperation
To liberty
All those greener pastures look like freedom
'Cause I can't see the chains under it all
You try to tell me I don't need 'em
But I don't see You're right, until I fall
And I'm broken again
You hem me in
Behind, before
You take away every flawed recourse
When will I see, You're leading me
Through desperation
To liberty
I fall on my face again and again
Trying to prove to you, I don't need Your hand
But all I'm proving, really
Is that I'm poor and needy
And desperate for You
You hem me in
Behind, before
You take away every flawed recourse
When will I see, You're leading me
Through desperation
To liberty
And I called my mom for prayer, and just let her pray for me while I bawled my eyes out. I cannot do any of this on my own. And I cannot do any of this if I am more worried about the opinions of other parents (and non-parents), especially if they have no idea what it is to really walk through this thing called "Celiac Disease." We look weird. We go through a lot of efforts that just look weird. But God put this possibility before us when we were completely desperate, and it is working! It is not easy, and it obviously has not been foolproof, but even the (initially skeptical) pediatrician says, "Keep going, it is working!" So if I want my son to get better, I am going to have to look a little foolish. And in the end, not only will I have a healthy son, but I will be free of a good chunk of my spiritual baggage, too! But I have to be willing to look "weird."
And is that not like our faith walks? We believe some crazy-sounding things, and sometimes our faith makes us act in crazy ways (I moved from a perfectly good life in Boston down here to Georgia because I started crying when I walked into my brother's church, and others have done far stranger things). There is MUCH healing and blessing that we are going to miss out on if we are not willing to look a little foolish.
If you are struggling because all the "right" moves keep landing you back at the start, maybe you should consider that the truly right move is to stop striving. God is on the throne, He is in control. Hew knew this moment before you ever came to it, and He will see you through it to His glory. You may look a little foolish. You may come out the hero. Who knows? Just know that if you can stop striving and lean on God to direct your steps, He will be glorified in your life, and that is all that really matters.
"He says, 'Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.' The Lord Almighty is with us. The God of Jacob is our fortress."
Psalm 46:10-11
Psalm 46:10-11
