Monday, August 2, 2010

Praying for the Strength to Surrender

Just in case
I will leave my things packed
So I can run away
I cannot trust these voices
I don't have a line of prospects
That can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to
That can bring me sweet release
I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing
That's taking all this work 
~ Jars of Clay, "Work"
I totally resonate with this right now, because I would rather see everything crumble or see us instantly delivered; but the choking and sputtering while treading water is absolutely unbearable.

I know that "drowning" is the answer, but I wish I had a better idea of how to get there.  I try to let go, I try to stop figuring this out from every angle; but my flailing arms still grab at whatever is not there for some kind of support.  At that moment right before giving up, desperation kicks in and pulls me back into my rhythm of flailing, coughing, and sputtering.

I'm reminded of Ted Dekker's book Red, and of John Mark McMillan's song He Loves Us.  Drowning to life in a sea of Christ's redeeming blood..."If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking."

Jesus, help me to just let go.  Help me give in and just let You be Lord in this situation.  Give me the grace to surrender and stop trying to control catastrophe from every angle.

Here I am again alone
Afraid I'll lose all that I own
Yet you see me as your one
I cannot fall

And what I am I still am not

At times I count the cost
Yet I find there's nothing lost
If I give it all

Too many times
I'm back inside
Wanting desperately to hide
Yet I know, I know you say
You have to die
Too many times
You hear my cries
I'm at the end of all my tries
So, I'm open Lord, so
Teach me how to die
~Michael W. Smith, "Too Many Times"